TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, GAINS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Personnel Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it might have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That is the vision driving Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical development-slash-luxurious real estate calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Certainly, the man who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. And never the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we are conversing Damascus, town Traditionally recognized for historic lifestyle, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It is going to be incredible. Incredible!" Trump declared by using a leaked golf cart Zoom call, streamed from the Placing green inside Mar-a-Lago's Problem Bunker. "We've experienced lovely ceasefires in Syria. Many of the most effective. But now, we're setting up them with balconies."



Welcome into the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in a falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and fully outside of place. Created by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower functions:




  • A three-ground Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Content Hour until eventually the drone flies")




  • And also a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 several years for potable water. But Indeed, certain, let's have A further spot exactly where American men can put on robes and connect with it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains plus a pillow menu, not surprisingly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international policy analysts are contacting this one of the most audacious peace attempt given that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. When earlier negotiations unsuccessful under the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's prepare is less complicated: give Absolutely everyone a suite over the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


As outlined by files released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal features "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration in between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, complete with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is soft ability," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a agreement and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock wants much less diplomats and much more minibar upgrades."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, typically into gold-plated intercoms put in in Every single unit. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination pointed out, "It's actually not that Trump shouldn't open a tower in a very war zone. It can be that he ought to quit working with it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested with regards to the task, replied, "You understand, male, I once rode a camel in Beirut. Good folks. Excellent tan. Anyway, do I still have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a set for "long term proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit of the Levant."



Satellite Shots Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit discovered that the hotel's landscaping forms an enormous Trump head visible from space, a characteristic getting promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is made from refugee tents as well as chin is… perfectly, labeled.


Environmental groups have filed lawsuits immediately after acquiring the creating's gold plating mirrored a lot of daylight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established hearth to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It really is not simply unsightly. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," said Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing along with other Puzzling Features


Probably Trump Tower Damascus the strangest component in the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:




  • A silent atrium where by visitors may ponder vague disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian bedroom, comprehensive with climate control established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Regional Syrians are Uncertain what to make of this. "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-12 months-aged Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing Approach: "If You Bomb It, They may Occur"


The advertisement marketing campaign, not too long ago leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. 1 poster reads:


"Peace is Non permanent. Luxurious is For good."


An additional slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee stores:


"A Tower So Major, Even Assad Has to note."


General public reception is wildly divided. A latest SnapPoll done inside of a hookah lounge shows:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% reported "where by's the closest elevator to the West Financial institution?"





Investor Praise: "Eventually, a Crisis That Pays"


The venture is previously attracting notice from international traders, which include:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll obtain three penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




Based on a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional level will even consist of:




  • A Greenback Shop of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Referred to as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Home Depending on the Iraq War





Comment Portion Chaos


On the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb article about the unveiling, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Won't be able to hold out to view a wedding in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades instead of rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Lastly, a lodge in which my PTSD might have convert-down support."


An additional article from @KuwaitiKardashian just requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Effect


U.S. officials stress the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Reviews counsel:




  • China might open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly provided to build a Tesla showroom over the Golan Heights driven by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. As outlined by https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the top ground "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Remaining Thoughts with the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside of a closing ceremony that involved 3 camels, a flamethrower, in addition to a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed around the speakers:


"Damascus necessary hope. It wanted gold. It necessary a waterslide shaped like the Structure. I gave all of it 3. You happen to be welcome."

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